A Not So Easy Dinner

Dear Kiki,
                Yesterday  Benjamin and I took the girls to Izzy's for dinner.  It seemed like an easy win - Sydney wanted pizza, I wanted salad and Benjamin wanted food.  Prior to dinner we went to the Columbia Employee store to exchange a Christmas present of mine.  Sydney and Laura had good behavior and I handled the crowd well despite my burgeoning headache, so dinner seemed like an easy end to an otherwise fun/relaxing day.   However, not so much.

On the way to dinner we decided to swing by Walgreen's for allergy medicine.  We were not very far along in our journey before Laura Kate began to fuss. It was close to her feeding time so we pulled over and I gave her the bottle I had prepared for her in-advance.  Unfortunately this did not seem to placate her and she continued to get madder (and sadder) as we drove.  When we got to Walgreen's Benjamin went in to get the medicine while I tried to calm LK down.  Instead of drinking the bottle she was chewing furiously on the nipple and when I checked her gums, she acted like she may be teething.  Poor Baby!   With LK acting so fussy we stopped by the house to get a Mum-Mum for her to chew on as well as some infant Tylenol.  When I walked through the front door I was greeted to a huge mess of garbage!  Putter had made a mess of the kitchen floor as well as dragged some items on to the living room rug for added enjoyment.  With shock and anger I walked over the mess, got my needed items from the kitchen and walked back out the door - after sticking Putter in his kennel of course).
As we pull away from the house Sydney is moaning about how hungry she is, LK is crying and I'm pissed off.

We arrived at Izzy's and proceeded to have a fairly calm dinner.  Until we became That Family. You know the one with the screechy baby, inappropriate acting pre-schooler, nagging mom and disconnected dad.  LK started yelling and screeching because I guess I wasn't feeding her fast enough, and Sydney was doing her best impression of bad dinner table manners.  I was trying to get Sydney to behave while shoving food into LK's mouth.  And Benjamin was ignoring all of it.

Until Benjamin noticed that Sydney didn't have her glasses on.  She left the house with them on.  She left the store with them on. When did she take them off?  

He asked her where they were. Her response was a shrug.  A SHRUG!!  She told us that she took them off while eating so she could see better.  "Its okay mommy, I don't need glasses to see with anyway." We searched under the table in all of our coat pockets.  We even got the hostess to take apart the seat so we could check in case they fell in the crack between the wall and the seat. Nothing.  We have made a big spectacle by this time and Sydney is crying because she has finally figured out that she is in trouble.  The whole time this is happening we keep grilling Sydney about where she may have left her glasses.  She continues to state that she left them next to her on the booth seat.

We pay for our dinner and pack ourselves out to the car.  Sydney is trying to negotiate her way out of an early bedtime punishment by suggesting other forms of loss privileges while I am explaining what a big deal her losing her glasses is.   Out the car we get Sydney and LK buckled in then Benjamin uses the light on his phone to double check around the carseats to see if maybe by chance the glasses are in the car,  Low and behold they are.  ON THE FLOOR OF THE CAR.  Sydney's response, "Oh there they are".

It was an early bedtime at the Lee House last night.

Parent Shaming!

Recently a Facebook friend conscientiously shared an article about Present Parenting.  Apparently, in order to be a successful (present) parent you can NEVER sleep train your child.  I read the article twice, and double checked the credentials of the writer.  Her picture depicts a happy, health, beautiful young woman.  Her bio indicates she is a woman who likes tattoos and naps, oh and is also the mother of five-year old twins.  She didn’t personally offer any research to back up her argument that children shouldn’t be sleep trained, but she imbedded links that took you to articles where other authors had outlined research which would support her stance.  Because this wasn’t what one would call a “neutral” perspective, she did not provide any links to articles (research) for the opposition.

It appears the author also has no educational background which would make her an expert on the effects of sleep training, and her only experience relates to her twins.  So basically, she is totally qualified to parent-shame the rest of us.

In reading the article the author refers to a medical practice where the leading physician supposedly recommends that you start sleep training a child at 8 weeks.  According to the author, the doctor directs that you place the baby in their crib at 7pm, then return to the room at 7am.  This is all of the information the author provides, as the recommendation was not given to her directly. In fact, the physician in question had given the recommendation to another author who already wrote a piece on the issue. 

In that article the author (the one with firsthand experience) explained that the decision to support sleep training at 8 weeks was reportedly slowly determined over several decades of pediatric care this physician, and his residents, had provided.  It was his experience that around 8 weeks of age babies are sleeping 6-8 hour stretches and asking them to sleep an additional 6-4 hours isn’t unreasonable.

Personally, I do not agree with asking a baby to sleep (or be alone) for 12 hours straight. However, I think that 6-8 hours is reasonable once your baby is on a fairly consistent eating schedule.  But I realize this is MY OPINION and should not be thrust upon every parent and or every baby.

In my personal experience, at eight weeks my baby has some nights where she will sleep for seven hours before needing to eat, other times she only sleeps four.  For me, getting up to breastfeed after only four hours of sleep is not a problem.  However, that’s because my baby generally goes back to sleep quickly after eating.  In addition, I know that when she wakes again, it’s Dad’s turn to get up and feed her. So, there isn’t much stress attached to my baby’s sleeping schedule and at this juncture I don’t see a need to train her to sleep longer stretches.

The first author mentioned above, noted in her article that it’s not “brave” or “gutsy” to attempt to sleep train your baby.  This is because sleep training is only done by parents who are selfish and may not have realized how demanding babies can be.  It’s more “brave” to actually listen to your baby “I mean really listen” (because apparently most parents only partially listen…) and respond every time they cry.

I have a friend whose baby never slept more than two hours at a time and once the baby was awake it would take her several hours to get back to sleep.  Because of this schedule the baby was cranky all of the time, as were her parents.  They turned to their doctor for advice, who referred them to the Ferber Method (allowing a child to cry themselves to sleep) – and this worked for them.  But it was initally very hard for my friend to commit to the Ferber Method.  She had many failed attempts because she couldn’t stand to think that her child might be suffering.  I commend her for her bravery and would never shame her for this.  They are now a much happier family.

Every parent knows that parenting is VERY hard.  We probably spend more time doubting our methods then we do embracing them.  I don’t know what the future holds for my family, and whether we might have to use the Ferber Method at some point.  But if we do, I would hope my friends (Facebook and otherwise) would provide moral support and not be judgmental or critical.  I don’t want to have to isolate myself due to fear of being publically (or privately) shamed for my parenting decisions.   

Just for some extra fun – here are some titles from other articles this author has written:

Kim Kardashian’s Push Present Request is Way Over the Top

Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat Shows How Hurt She is Over Her Breakup

Model Loses Thousands of Followers When She Posts These Ugly Selfies

15 Questions - A Redacted Love Letter

The following is a redacted version of a love letter I wrote to Dustin today.

As an avid browser of Facebook I often come across links to articles with really interesting titles.  Usually I regret clicking on the link because the title ends up being the best part of the essay, the rest is just campy, or useless, or worse: both campy and useless.  Today I was captured by an article that warned “DO NOT GET MARRIED Unless You Ask Your Partner These 15 Questions Or Else…” I was captivated, Or Else what? I don’t remember asking you 15 specific questions before we were married.

What if it’s: 

Or Else…You Will Be Murdered;

Or Else…You’ll Never Know If He’s Truly A Man, That Might Just Be A Banana Glued Down There;

Worse than both of those:  Or Else…You May Be Marrying Your Father!

I had to know what Or Else was leading up to- so I clicked.  Marriage really is a beautiful thing.  I used to think it was a bit pointless, just a piece of paper that allows you an extra tax cut.  However, the more I thought about it, the more I learned to appreciate what marriage could be.  Oh, this writer is good.  First marriage was totally useless, but then after contemplating life he realized wait – marriage isn’t useless after all.  I read on, what kind of epiphany did he have that made him suddenly appreciate marriage.

Marriage gets a bad rap…blah, blah, ok skimmed that part, no mention of an epiphany.  It gives us courage to give ourselves to another without reservations. Hmm, no outline of thought process yet –tell me how did you come to appreciate marriage? I MUST KNOW!! (Spoiler alert: he never shares with us what made him change his mind…sad face.)

Instead he outlines 15 questions, THE 15 questions that your future life partner to-be can honestly answer… to your liking.  Ok, first off – I don’t think this guy is actually married because there is no place for honesty in any happy marriage; second off – what man will ever answer a woman’s question to her liking? It’s obvious this guy hates marriage, and coupling, and maybe even hetero-sex as he’s obviously trying to break couples up before they even get to the “how do you envision our wedding day” argument.

Her:     I see us at the Plaza in New York. I’ll arrive in a carriage drawn by a single white horse, and enter the room just as the sun is setting so the final rays of the sun can shine on my Vera Wang ivory (cause we aren’t kidding anyone; I can’t wear white) dress, with my mile-long lace train cascading over my shoulders.  The Pope will preside over the wedding, even though we aren’t catholic, he’ll make an exception.  Then Burno Mars will sing Marry Me; and as we kiss a dozen white doves will be released into the air and everyone will be bawling because they are overwhelmed by my (I mean our) beauty.

Him:    I don’t know, I just kind of thought we’d elope.

He should have totally expected this after the proposal debacle.  All that time and energy he put into creating the totally creative/never-been-done-before (not) flash mob and after he popped the question she said: “I’m not sure, I need to ask you 15 questions first and you have to be honest ok? Like totally honest, like I’ll know if you’re not telling the truth. And if I don’t like your answers then I’ll have no choice but to say “no,” it’s written right here in this article see…”

So now that we have been married 516 weeks (thanks Proclaim calculator), I feel it’s a good time for us to sit down and consider the 15 questions that we should have posed 10 years ago.  I’m being honest here; I will honestly do my best to answer the questions honestly.  I know that’s all you ask of me “Katie, as long as you do your best, I am proud of you.”

Here we go, the 15 never before asked questions:

Why do you love me?

Ok, well 10 years ago I loved you for different reasons than I do now. We’ve matured since then, both individually and as a couple.  In 2004 I loved you because you were a man of God, dedicated to following His word and living your life as devoutly as possible.  You were pure and naïve, and it was so easy to take advantage of that.

Now it’s honestly hard for me to put into words why I love you. I’m kind of frustrated that you’re even asking me why; like I need to prove there is a reason behind this epic love I have for you.  There are things I love about you, and the totality of those things may equate to a larger why but I’m honestly not sure. 

Things I love about you:

-          You get up every Sunday morning and make us breakfast;

-          You care so much about people you never want them to be homeless, we’ve had so many houseguests over the years that I’ve lost count.

-          You are a contributing member of Team Somner.  You take on an equal share of parenting, and a more-than-equal share of cleaning and cooking.  I never feel like I’m alone in our relationship, in our marriage, or as a parent.  We are almost always (Russell’s hair debacle not withstanding) on the same page.

-          You ground me.  When I want to do something silly, like move to Texas and go to school, you are the word of reason.  And you let me ground you.  When you want to purchase all the Legos in existence you listen to my reasons not to.

In other words (and I am sorry if this is so lame), I love you because you complete me.  Oh God, I’m tearing up…I am a half person without you.  It’s like you are one of my limbs and without you I’d have to get a peg leg, and people would mistake me for a Pirate and I’d spend a great deal of time in jail due to that misconception and then eventually start to believe everyone and buy a ship and move to Somalia, where I’d totally become the President of Pirates. 

So to sum up, I love you because you keep me from becoming a successful Pirate.

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?

The obvious answer: I’m sticking around to inherit candlewick and iron wood….

In addition, at this point in my life it would take a long time to pack-up and leave.  Those movies when someone in an 18-year marriage is able to pack-up their stuff in just a few minutes, only filling a couple of pieces of luggage, that wouldn’t be me.  If I was leaving you it would be for a VERY good reason (who is Mim and why is she sexting you) and I’m taking everything with me that’s not nailed down.  Also, we know an alarming number of people who have lost a great deal of money from divorcing, I don’t think either of us want that.  So, those are the three most obvious reasons.

To sum up: I will stay with you forever because if I didn’t I’d become a successful Pirate with a lot of luggage, and I really need space on my ship for gold.

Will you do your best to keep romance alive?

This is kind of an ambiguous question as I’m not 100% sure what is meant by romance.  What if one day we rescue a dog named Romance and that dog ends up becoming a zombie and tries to eat us in our sleep? I can guarantee you that in that scenario I would NOT try my best to keep Romance alive, and I hope you wouldn’t ask me to.

Will you grow with me, and not away from me?

Probably.  (As a side note, next time you might want to ask open-ended questions.)

Will you stick through the rough times?

I would rather consider whether I’ll be sticky through the rough times.  If I’m sticky then you could just grab on to me and we’d coast through the rough times together.  Maybe I’m sticky because I just took a bath in gummy bears, or I ate a lot of licorice.  Then not only will I feel sticky, but I’ll smell sweet and I bet I’ll taste pretty good too.

But obviously the answer is “yes.” I’ve already stuck around through rough times, we’ve handled them well together.  Not being able to have our own biological children; adopting a wonderful but challenging child; dealing with parents who undermine and or question our reasonable parenting decisions; the porn addiction (mine, not yours); the chocolate addiction (yours, not mine); 9/11. 

Rough patches are a part of life, and as a couple we get to endure them together and support each other through them.  Not only will I stick around during the rough patches, but I will take them on as my own, embrace them wholeheartedly, and work with you to problem solve solutions (queue A-Team theme song).  You will never feel alone during rough patches as I will be right behind you, awkwardly close behind you, so close that I can sniff your hair….mmmm smells like Dove.

Are you willing to lose some battles in order to keep the peace?

Do you think Luke would have found The Force if Yoda hadn’t pushed him so hard? Every man needs a challenge in order to succeed.  When (if) you win a battle you’ll know it was because you were the better fighter and not because I let you win.  It will be more meaningful that way and I don’t want to take that away from you.  I love you too much to let you win a battle – so, no.

Can you promise to put us ahead of everything else?

This is the one question that I really had to think about.  I’m not sure it’s healthy to agree to put you ahead of everything else.  Shouldn’t I be passionate about things outside our marriage? I can promise that if you ever feel ignored or neglected, I will listen to and acknowledge your feelings, and together we can find a solution that works for both our needs.

(Because I answered this question last, after answering # 14 and 15 below, I’ve lost all ability to be funny.  Stupid 14 and 15!)

Will you be a great parent?

Probably not, but I will try my best to be an adequate parent. 

Will you be sure to remind me how much you love me regularly?

Monday:          I love you.

Tuesday:          I love you.

Wednesday:     I love you.

Thursday:        I love you.

Friday:             I love you.

Saturday:         I love you.

Sunday:           I love you.

If you ever need a reminder just come to this page, scan down to the day of the week and check the status for that day.

Can you promise to do all you can to keep that spark alive?

This is kind of an ambiguous question as I’m not 100% sure what is meant by spark.  What if one day we rescue a dog named Spark and that dog ends up becoming a zombie and tries to eat us in our sleep? I can guarantee you that in that scenario I would NOT try my best to keep Spark alive, and I hope you wouldn’t ask me to.

(Yeah that’s right, I’m phoning this question in because it’s just a different way of asking will you do the best to keep the Romance alive.  I feel like you are attempting to back me into a corner by asking the same question twice. Or are you being passive-aggressive and hinting at something.  As you can see from my answer above I acknowledged this is something I need to work on.  So maybe just back off a little bit.)

Will you support me if I can’t support myself?

As long as I’m not doing something else I would be happy to hold a ladder for you while you do manly things like clean out the gutters, or scrape moss off the roof. 

Will you promise to continue to pursue your personal goals and dreams?

As long as you continue to be as supportive as you have been these past 14 years, then the answer is “yes.”  Thank you for your support, for believing in me, for thinking I’m smart, for treating me like a partner, for not asking me to be submissive.  You, dear sir, are a true feminist.

Will you allow yourself to let go?

Are you going to catch me?

If I’m the first to go, will you be there with me until the end?

Yes, because I will be the one burying you alive.

Actually, a more likely story is that I’ll be that creepy woman who keeps the body of her dead husband in a chair in the bedroom.  I’ll lovingly bathe you with sponges every day, and dress you in your favorite clothes.  I’ll read investment books to you, and we’ll watch Gotham together at night before bed.

Can you promise me that if my time is cut short, you’ll continue to live on for the both of us?

It will take me a great deal of time to get over the loss of you.  I will most likely fall into a deep depression and have trouble seeing any light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel I am trapped in.  I may eventually be able to live life again, but I can’t promise that I will.

And oh God – what a horrible last few questions to end on. I feel like I need to lighten the mood with a joke.  A wife asked her husband, “Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?” The man replied, “Yes, I do.”

Thanks for still loving me even though I’m old and overweight.  When (if) you get there, I’ll still love you too!

Like Whitney Houston sang, I will always love you, oooh oooh I, will always love you.  Bitter sweet memories, that is all I’m taking with me eeee, so goodbye, please don’t cry, I’ll think of you every step of the way ayayay. And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love you…. I am surprised that I know so much of that song. Wow.

The 15 questions above are pointless.  I married you already knowing that stuff without having to directly ask it, and your actions and words remind me of my wonderful choice to love you, every day.  The real Or Else for us is: Or Else…You Might Live Happily Ever After.

Constipated: late night in a public restroom

Dear Kiki,
The title pretty much sums up my entire post.  It's nine thirty on a Thursday night (ladies night for the young'uns)and here I shit - er rather sit trying to shit while listening to the buzz of overhead florescent lights and the occasional automatic spray of air freshener.  Ah, this is the life. 

At least I can reach my ass and vagina. ..The count down to operation spray bottle has commenced.   7 months and counting. 

Where there is rain, there is often time Lightening!

Dear Popo,

Growing up I had a bike.  I was so proud of that bike; it was mostly white but with some blue accents, and it was a boy’s bike.  Only a boy’s bike would do for me because I was too fast and too strong for a girl’s bike.  I named my bike Lightening; he was more than just a bike, he was a living, breathing machine and together we were faster than lightening.  I would take Lightening out when I stayed at Ma’s place.  I’d see how fast I could ride around her block, I’d hear the wind echoing through my ears.  Lightening and I were invincible.

Today while biking to work in the rain, I had a moment of childhood jubilation that reminded me of my time with Lightening.  There was nothing better than sitting on that bike, legs pumping hard, racing down the empty street, experiencing a feeling of freedom I haven’t had since reaching adulthood.  Today I couldn’t help but smile and dream about putting my arms up in the air, let the wind rushing past my ears envelope me and return me to that place of youthful freedom. 

Suddenly someone yelling “HEY, YOUR PUSSY’S WET” broke the silence and brought me back to reality.  There, on the side of the road pointing and laughing was a homeless man, mocking the fact that rain had soaked through my clothes, and my tires had left a track of mud splattered up my back reaching from my butt to my helmet.  Thanks homeless man – your commentary is unwanted and yes, my female genitalia may indeed be wet from the rain, but where there is rain there is often times Lightening!

Love,

Kiki

Let Me Give You A Little Advice....

Dear Abby:

I need help; I’m addicted to reading your column.  Every weekday morning, after I get to work, I grab a cup of coffee with some friends and then sit down to read your column. I feel like I can’t start my day without doing so.  I look forward to Monday mornings because I generally have at least two columns to read.  I find I read your column to see if anyone else has problems I can relate to.  I find I get a little depressed when nothing relates to me- which, honestly is quite often as I don’t really have unresolved issues in my life.  Because I can’t relate I find that when I have down time I start imagining problematic situations and then dictate a letter to you asking for advice.  I also love to give advice, so I read your column to see whether your advice meshes with mine – we’re probably compatible 50% of the time.  Finally, I hate it when you regurgitate your reader’s responses to advice you previously answered.  It’s boring and adds no value to your column; it makes you appear lazy. – AVID READER IN OREGON

Dear Avid Reader:

You sound awesome.  Lately I have been considering retiring and have been spending a great deal of time with my publisher trying to locate a person who could fill my shoes.  I have, thus far, been unsuccessful.  However, you seem to have your life in order, love to give advice and have ideas on how you would improve my column.  I think you may be a great candidate to take over for me when I retire.  Please contact my publisher as soon as possible to discuss your options.  It may be beneficial for you to provide examples of advice you have given over the years.

Dear Abby:

I am very grateful you have considered me as a candidate to replace you.  I do believe I would be the best candidate as the advice I have given over the years (when heeded) has been 100% accurate.  In fact, I am so committed to assisting my friends and family that I often provide assistance even when it’s not requested.  I know my advice is invaluable and in the long run people really appreciate it when I interfere with their lives.  I am looking forward to continuing to perfect my skills and sharing them with a broader audience. – LIVING THE DREAM IN OREGON

Dear Living the Dream:

I’m afraid sarcasm may be lost on you.

All About Me

Dear Popo:

On the phone earlier you said you think Dustin and I are nice people who try to help others, so you can’t understand why we lose friends.  I was thinking about this (in terms of myself only not Dustin- Dustin is perfect he loses friends primarily because he’s associated with me).  I am wondering if I lose friends because I fail to share my faults with others.  I’m not trying to come across as Ms. Perfect- I am far from it, but I know I try to keep my major, more serious faults hidden.  I am concluding that when other people are struggling through a rough spot in life, they have trouble remaining associated with me because they get the impression I don’t have similar struggles.  Maybe if I opened up about my demons I would be liked better (or at least for a longer period of time).

So here I will share some of my “favorite” faults with you- as you are my sister you may be well aware of some of these:

I wake up on the wrong side of the bed about 75% of the time.  You might be the nicest most accommodating and wonderful person in the entire world – but when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed you are a FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO WILL NEVER FIND LOVE!!  Ok, I’ve never actually said that to anyone – but I have been rude and terse to Russell only because I woke-up in a nasty mood and not because he did anything to deserve it. 

I’m angry when I’m angry and happy when I’m not angry.  I say and do things when I’m mad that can be hurtful and that you may think requires an apology.  But when I’m angry I don’t care about apologizing to you YOU STUPID WHORE! And when I’m happy I kind of feel like you should just get over what I said earlier because I’m not mad anymore.  There isn’t any reason for me to apologize because I meant what I said when I was angry, it was totally true – it’s not true now, but it was true then. So an apology is not coming from me, I didn’t do anything wrong…Maybe you should apologize for taking what I say so personally.

When I get bored in work meetings I start picturing the “packages” of the men in the room.  Then I start freaking out that someone in the room can read minds and I quickly scan all of the people’s faces to see if anyone won’t make eye-contact with me, or is blushing.  I try to stop thinking about “packages” but that only makes the thoughts come more rapid fire: I wonder if he has trouble getting it up…I bet he’s watched gay porn…his wife is pretty young, I wonder if he’d ever be in to me.  Yesterday I was in this horrible meeting and was getting bored and I actually heard a conversation in my head:

Hey, let’s do that thing she hates and start thinking about “packages.”

Oh yeah she totally hates doing that! Have you seen the look she gets on her face when she tries to stop thinking about them? I bet people think she’s struggling to hold-in a fart!

I am super lazy – I mean SUPER DUPER WITH EXTRA CHOCOLATE ON TOP lazy at home.  Dustin generally makes food, cleans the house, straightens up the garden and does the laundry.  I can be seen replacing the soap in the shower IF it’s my turn to shower and I notice a new soap is needed before I get in.  If not, then I call to Dustin who does it for me.  Even though I am fully aware that Dustin’s contributions at home outweigh mine by about 1000 percent, I still get frustrated if I choose to do a chore and it takes longer than 10 minutes, or requires what I consider going “above and beyond the call of duty.” For example, when I choose to wash the dishes the dishwasher should already be empty and the dishes scrubbed of food.  If I have to empty the dishwasher before loading it, or scrub crusted food off a dish, I will complain about it for a week and probably not do the dishes for another month.

So now you know the truth.  I am an angry-for-no-good-reason, criticizing, penis crazed, non-contributing person who just wants to be loved.