The following is a redacted version of a love letter I wrote
to Dustin today.
As an avid browser of Facebook I often come across links to
articles with really interesting titles.
Usually I regret clicking on the link because the title ends up being
the best part of the essay, the rest is just campy, or useless, or worse: both
campy and useless. Today I was captured
by an article that warned “DO NOT GET MARRIED Unless You Ask Your Partner These
15 Questions Or Else…” I was captivated, Or Else what? I don’t remember asking
you 15 specific questions before we were married.
What if it’s:
Or Else…You Will Be Murdered;
Or Else…You’ll Never Know If He’s Truly A Man, That Might
Just Be A Banana Glued Down There;
Worse than both of those:
Or Else…You May Be Marrying Your Father!
I had to know what Or Else was leading up to- so I
clicked. Marriage really is a beautiful thing.
I used to think it was a bit pointless, just a piece of paper that
allows you an extra tax cut. However,
the more I thought about it, the more I learned to appreciate what marriage
could be. Oh, this writer is
good. First marriage was totally
useless, but then after contemplating life he realized wait – marriage isn’t
useless after all. I read on, what kind
of epiphany did he have that made him suddenly appreciate marriage.
Marriage gets a bad
rap…blah, blah, ok skimmed that part, no mention of an epiphany. It
gives us courage to give ourselves to another without reservations. Hmm, no
outline of thought process yet –tell me how did you come to appreciate
marriage? I MUST KNOW!! (Spoiler alert: he never shares with us what made him
change his mind…sad face.)
Instead he outlines 15 questions, THE 15 questions that your future life partner to-be can honestly
answer… to your liking. Ok, first
off – I don’t think this guy is actually married because there is no place for
honesty in any happy marriage; second off – what man will ever answer a woman’s
question to her liking? It’s obvious this guy hates marriage, and coupling, and
maybe even hetero-sex as he’s obviously trying to break couples up before they
even get to the “how do you envision our wedding day” argument.
Her: I see us at the Plaza in New York. I’ll
arrive in a carriage drawn by a single white horse, and enter the room just as
the sun is setting so the final rays of the sun can shine on my Vera Wang ivory
(cause we aren’t kidding anyone; I can’t wear white) dress, with my mile-long
lace train cascading over my shoulders.
The Pope will preside over the wedding, even though we aren’t catholic,
he’ll make an exception. Then Burno Mars
will sing Marry Me; and as we kiss a dozen white doves will be released into
the air and everyone will be bawling because they are overwhelmed by my (I mean
our) beauty.
Him: I don’t know, I
just kind of thought we’d elope.
He should have totally expected this after the proposal
debacle. All that time and energy he put
into creating the totally creative/never-been-done-before (not) flash mob and
after he popped the question she said: “I’m not sure, I need to ask you 15
questions first and you have to be honest ok? Like totally honest, like I’ll
know if you’re not telling the truth. And if I don’t like your answers then I’ll
have no choice but to say “no,” it’s written right here in this article see…”
So now that we have been married 516 weeks (thanks Proclaim
calculator), I feel it’s a good time for us to sit down and consider the 15
questions that we should have posed 10 years ago. I’m being honest here; I will honestly do my
best to answer the questions honestly. I
know that’s all you ask of me “Katie, as long as you do your best, I am proud
of you.”
Here we go, the 15 never before asked questions:
Why do you love me?
Ok, well 10 years ago I loved you for different reasons than
I do now. We’ve matured since then, both individually and as a couple. In 2004 I loved you because you were a man of
God, dedicated to following His word and living your life as devoutly as
possible. You were pure and naïve, and it
was so easy to take advantage of that.
Now it’s honestly hard for me to put into words why I love you. I’m kind of frustrated
that you’re even asking me why; like
I need to prove there is a reason behind this epic love I have for you. There are things I love about you, and the
totality of those things may equate to a larger why but I’m honestly not sure.
Things I love about you:
-
You get up every Sunday morning and make us
breakfast;
-
You care so much about people you never want
them to be homeless, we’ve had so many houseguests over the years that I’ve
lost count.
-
You are a contributing member of Team Somner. You take on an equal share of parenting, and
a more-than-equal share of cleaning and cooking. I never feel like I’m alone in our
relationship, in our marriage, or as a parent.
We are almost always (Russell’s hair debacle not withstanding) on the
same page.
-
You ground me.
When I want to do something silly, like move to Texas and go to school,
you are the word of reason. And you let
me ground you. When you want to purchase
all the Legos in existence you listen to my reasons not to.
In other words (and I am sorry if this is so lame), I love
you because you complete me. Oh God, I’m
tearing up…I am a half person without you.
It’s like you are one of my limbs and without you I’d have to get a peg
leg, and people would mistake me for a Pirate and I’d spend a great deal of
time in jail due to that misconception and then eventually start to believe
everyone and buy a ship and move to Somalia, where I’d totally become the
President of Pirates.
So to sum up, I love you because you keep me from becoming a
successful Pirate.
Why do you want to
spend the rest of your life with me?
The obvious answer: I’m sticking around to inherit candlewick
and iron wood….
In addition, at this point in my life it would take a long
time to pack-up and leave. Those movies
when someone in an 18-year marriage is able to pack-up their stuff in just a
few minutes, only filling a couple of pieces of luggage, that wouldn’t be
me. If I was leaving you it would be for
a VERY good reason (who is Mim and why is she sexting you) and I’m taking
everything with me that’s not nailed down.
Also, we know an alarming number of people who have lost a great deal of
money from divorcing, I don’t think either of us want that. So, those are the three most obvious reasons.
To sum up: I will stay with you forever because if I didn’t
I’d become a successful Pirate with a lot of luggage, and I really need space
on my ship for gold.
Will you do your best
to keep romance alive?
This is kind of an ambiguous question as I’m not 100% sure
what is meant by romance. What if one day we rescue a dog named Romance
and that dog ends up becoming a zombie and tries to eat us in our sleep? I can
guarantee you that in that scenario I would NOT try my best to keep Romance
alive, and I hope you wouldn’t ask me to.
Will you grow with
me, and not away from me?
Probably. (As a side
note, next time you might want to ask open-ended questions.)
Will you stick
through the rough times?
I would rather consider whether I’ll be sticky through the
rough times. If I’m sticky then you
could just grab on to me and we’d coast through the rough times together. Maybe I’m sticky because I just took a bath
in gummy bears, or I ate a lot of licorice.
Then not only will I feel sticky, but I’ll smell sweet and I bet I’ll
taste pretty good too.
But obviously the answer is “yes.” I’ve already stuck around
through rough times, we’ve handled them well together. Not being able to have our own biological children;
adopting a wonderful but challenging child; dealing with parents who undermine
and or question our reasonable parenting decisions; the porn addiction (mine,
not yours); the chocolate addiction (yours, not mine); 9/11.
Rough patches are a part of life, and as a couple we get to
endure them together and support each other through them. Not only will I stick around during the rough
patches, but I will take them on as my own, embrace them wholeheartedly, and work
with you to problem solve solutions (queue A-Team theme song). You will never feel alone during rough
patches as I will be right behind you, awkwardly close behind you, so close
that I can sniff your hair….mmmm smells like Dove.
Are you willing to
lose some battles in order to keep the peace?
Do you think Luke would have found The Force if Yoda hadn’t
pushed him so hard? Every man needs a challenge in order to succeed. When (if) you win a battle you’ll know it was because you were the better fighter and
not because I let you win. It will be
more meaningful that way and I don’t want to take that away from you. I love you too much to let you win a battle – so, no.
Can you promise to
put us ahead of everything else?
This is the one question that I really had to think
about. I’m not sure it’s healthy to
agree to put you ahead of everything
else. Shouldn’t I be passionate about
things outside our marriage? I can promise that if you ever feel ignored or
neglected, I will listen to and acknowledge your feelings, and together we can
find a solution that works for both our needs.
(Because I answered this question last, after answering # 14
and 15 below, I’ve lost all ability to be funny. Stupid 14 and 15!)
Will you be a great
parent?
Probably not, but I will try my best to be an adequate
parent.
Will you be sure to
remind me how much you love me regularly?
Monday: I love
you.
Tuesday: I
love you.
Wednesday: I love
you.
Thursday: I love
you.
Friday: I
love you.
Saturday: I
love you.
Sunday: I
love you.
If you ever need a reminder just come to this page, scan
down to the day of the week and check the status for that day.
Can you promise to do
all you can to keep that spark alive?
This is kind of an ambiguous question as I’m not 100% sure
what is meant by spark. What if one day we rescue a dog named Spark
and that dog ends up becoming a zombie and tries to eat us in our sleep? I can
guarantee you that in that scenario I would NOT try my best to keep Spark
alive, and I hope you wouldn’t ask me to.
(Yeah that’s right, I’m phoning this question in because it’s
just a different way of asking will you
do the best to keep the Romance alive.
I feel like you are attempting to back me into a corner by asking the
same question twice. Or are you being passive-aggressive and hinting at
something. As you can see from my answer
above I acknowledged this is something I need to work on. So maybe just back off a little bit.)
Will you support me
if I can’t support myself?
As long as I’m not doing something else I would be happy to
hold a ladder for you while you do manly things like clean out the gutters, or
scrape moss off the roof.
Will you promise to
continue to pursue your personal goals and dreams?
As long as you continue to be as supportive as you have been
these past 14 years, then the answer is “yes.”
Thank you for your support, for believing in me, for thinking I’m smart,
for treating me like a partner, for not asking me to be submissive. You, dear sir, are a true feminist.
Will you allow
yourself to let go?
Are you going to catch me?
If I’m the first to
go, will you be there with me until the end?
Yes, because I will be the one burying you alive.
Actually, a more likely story is that I’ll be that creepy
woman who keeps the body of her dead husband in a chair in the bedroom. I’ll lovingly bathe you with sponges every
day, and dress you in your favorite clothes.
I’ll read investment books to you, and we’ll watch Gotham together at
night before bed.
Can you promise me
that if my time is cut short, you’ll continue to live on for the both of us?
It will take me a great deal of time to get over the loss of
you. I will most likely fall into a deep
depression and have trouble seeing any light at the end of the dark, dark
tunnel I am trapped in. I may eventually
be able to live life again, but I can’t promise that I will.
And oh God – what a horrible last few questions to end on. I
feel like I need to lighten the mood with a joke. A wife
asked her husband, “Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?”
The man replied, “Yes, I do.”
Thanks for still loving me even though I’m old and
overweight. When (if) you get there, I’ll
still love you too!
Like Whitney Houston sang, I will always love you, oooh oooh I, will always love you. Bitter
sweet memories, that is all I’m taking with me eeee, so goodbye, please don’t cry,
I’ll think of you every step of the way ayayay. And
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love you…. I am
surprised that I know so much of that song. Wow.
The 15 questions above are pointless. I married you already knowing that stuff
without having to directly ask it, and your actions and words remind me of my
wonderful choice to love you, every day.
The real Or Else for us is: Or Else…You Might Live Happily Ever After.
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