On the phone earlier you said you think Dustin and I are
nice people who try to help others, so you can’t understand why we lose
friends. I was thinking about this (in
terms of myself only not Dustin- Dustin is perfect he loses friends primarily
because he’s associated with me). I am
wondering if I lose friends because I fail to share my faults with others. I’m not trying to come across as Ms. Perfect-
I am far from it, but I know I try to keep my major, more serious faults
hidden. I am concluding that when other
people are struggling through a rough spot in life, they have trouble remaining
associated with me because they get the impression I don’t have similar
struggles. Maybe if I opened up about my
demons I would be liked better (or at least for a longer period of time).
So here I will share some of my “favorite” faults with you-
as you are my sister you may be well aware of some of these:
I wake up on the wrong side of the bed about 75% of the
time. You might be the nicest most accommodating
and wonderful person in the entire world – but when I wake up on the wrong side
of the bed you are a FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO WILL NEVER FIND LOVE!! Ok, I’ve never actually said that to anyone –
but I have been rude and terse to Russell only because I woke-up in a nasty
mood and not because he did anything to deserve it.
I’m angry when I’m angry and happy when I’m not angry. I say and do things when I’m mad that can be
hurtful and that you may think requires an apology. But when I’m angry I don’t care about
apologizing to you YOU STUPID WHORE! And when I’m happy I kind of feel like you
should just get over what I said earlier because I’m not mad anymore. There isn’t any reason for me to apologize
because I meant what I said when I was angry, it was totally true – it’s not
true now, but it was true then. So an apology is not coming from me, I didn’t
do anything wrong…Maybe you should apologize for taking what I say so
personally.
When I get bored in work meetings I start picturing the “packages”
of the men in the room. Then I start
freaking out that someone in the room can read minds and I quickly scan all of
the people’s faces to see if anyone won’t make eye-contact with me, or is
blushing. I try to stop thinking about “packages”
but that only makes the thoughts come more rapid fire: I wonder if he has
trouble getting it up…I bet he’s watched gay porn…his wife is pretty young, I
wonder if he’d ever be in to me.
Yesterday I was in this horrible meeting and was getting bored and I
actually heard a conversation in my head:
Hey, let’s do that thing she hates and start thinking about “packages.”
Oh yeah she totally hates doing that! Have you seen the look
she gets on her face when she tries to stop thinking about them? I bet people
think she’s struggling to hold-in a fart!
I am super lazy – I mean SUPER DUPER WITH EXTRA CHOCOLATE ON
TOP lazy at home. Dustin generally makes
food, cleans the house, straightens up the garden and does the laundry. I can be seen replacing the soap in the
shower IF it’s my turn to shower and I notice a new soap is needed before I get
in. If not, then I call to Dustin who
does it for me. Even though I am fully aware
that Dustin’s contributions at home outweigh mine by about 1000 percent, I still
get frustrated if I choose to do a chore and it takes longer than 10 minutes,
or requires what I consider going “above and beyond the call of duty.” For
example, when I choose to wash the dishes the dishwasher should already be
empty and the dishes scrubbed of food.
If I have to empty the dishwasher before loading it, or scrub crusted
food off a dish, I will complain about it for a week and probably not do the
dishes for another month.
So now you know the truth.
I am an angry-for-no-good-reason, criticizing, penis crazed, non-contributing
person who just wants to be loved.
